I feel like the fall break was short, just like Thanksgiving break can be. It felt good to be back to get ready for the midterms and get a head start on my school work, so I do not fall behind on any of the material I need to know. And I kinda missed my roommates and have gotten really busy since being back. But being home for break made me miss home a lot more than I normally do, and over time it will get easier for me to come to school are break. My advisor had a meeting as a group talking about registering for classes next semester, and that was helpful, and I honestly did nto know before that when I was supposed to register for my classes in the spring. And I’m hoping that I’ll be able to get my biology and American Sign Language classes at the times I want them, and possibly I might change my major, but hasnt fully decided if I will be making the change yet, it just depends on the rest of the semester goers for me. And I have not fully explored campus yet, and I still don’t know where a lot of the buildings I will or possibly need for future classes and I have only visited half of the campus. I am too busy to explore the campus area. And compared to sarah experiences, I am grateful for picking a somewhat small school, and Longwood is very cozy and quiet, so it’s not that stressful compared to sarah big Midwest school. And I think some people, when picking a college they don’t think about the size of the campus or the population of people. I didn’t have many friends in high so, so it hasn’t really affected me going to college and the friends I do have I see on the weekend when I go home for the weekend and get to hang out with them. And I do dorm with 2 friends from high school and also my cousin, so I don’t feel as im drifting that much from everyone. I feel like it will be good going home for the two breaks that are coming up to spend time with friends and family, and celebrating the holidays with them will be a nice change. And this year will be my first few holidays I will spend with my boyfriend. 

I saw myself in her, but only a little. After her parents dropped her off at the dorm, she stared into space and said, “I live here now.” She didn’t look excited, just kind of “blah.” To me, she seemed unsure and a bit self-pitying about her life in college. That’s understandable. She’s only 18 and still figuring things out.

I don’t feel the same way. Even though I’m going through a lot, I try to stay positive and see school as a blessing. I’m almost 45, and my perspective is different. I’m not here to “find myself.” I already know who I am. I’m here to grow.

The first six weeks have been intense. I’m juggling schoolwork with responsibilities at home. I help my husband with our business. I’m the administrator, secretary, accounts payable, and CFO. I do the taxes, the books, and even have to go to the county clerk’s office to fight the taxes they say we owe on our house and cars. My husband travels a lot, so I handle house repairs, car maintenance, and anything else that needs fixing. Right now, I’m also dealing with a bathroom renovation. 

On top of that, I’ve started perimenopause. Brain fog, poor sleep, memory lapses, poor cognition, and anxiety I haven’t felt in years. I never had this much struggle in my life. As the saying goes, “I’m on the struggle bus.” Some days feel heavy, but I remind myself to keep going.

I also put pressure on myself to get straight A’s and keep a 4.0 GPA. I got a 98% on my Legal Environment in Business exam, just one mistake, and 96% on my accounting exam, and I still beat myself up. My brain doesn’t feel as sharp as before, and I blame it on getting older. Sarah doesn’t seem to stress about grades like I do. With help from a new friend, I’m learning to lighten up. They say C’s still get the degree, and many CEOs were C students while straight-A students became the worker bees—haha.

And then there are my two needy and spoiled Old English bulldogs, Hank and Lucy. I cook them wild-caught Alaskan sockeye salmon and oven-baked sweet potato fries, peeled and sliced by me from the Amish store, to mix with their prescription kibble. I want them to live-as long as possible. I leave for school by 8:30 a.m. and I try to get home by 5pm for them, but this week has been 7 p.m. I feel guilty not being home by 5pm for them. I can’t do schoolwork at home, my dogs just want to cuddle, and I feel guilty saying no.

Sarah has a small group of friends, but she doesn’t seem to appreciate them yet. I’ve only connected with two people so far, but I’m thankful. I try to smile or say “Hi” at students who do not smile and live by Charles Swindoll’s words: “No one needs a smile more than those who have none to give.” I say hi, even to someone like Sarah.

Unlike her, I commute 40 minutes each way. It’s harder to build friendships, but I believe they’ll grow with time.

Dear future me,

Hello! I’m curious as to what my future looks like as a first generation college student. Did I make it through and graduate? Did I join many clubs like I told myself that I would? What does my military career look like now and do I want to do another contract? Am I still friends with everyone that I’m friends with now? Have I improved my social skills? Am I still on the path of becoming a high school history teacher?

I know it’s a lot of questions which hopefully have the answers I want, but a lot can happen in four years. It is true that things don’t always stay the same, and in some areas I wish that weren’t true but I know I need change. I want to help make a change in this world even if it is small. Do we still feel this way? Have we become bitter or do we continue to have a positive outlook on life?

How about our family? Did we manage to make them proud and the envious more envious? Right now I plan to go home every weekend because being away from them without communication has made me realize the importance of having them near and spending time with them. Did we go home every weekend like I planned? Did our relationships get better, are we closer now? I see longwood as my home, but it is my second home, not my main home, hopefully I ended up choosing to stay here the next four years but I guess I won’t know till I receive your letter back! Take your time with my questions and please answer in details, the length does not matter for I am deeply curious to know what happened to us while we were here!

In the future I hope I am more outgoing and not scared to start a conversation with people. I hope I can keep my grades up and continue to improve in my major. I want to take everything I learned and apply it to my goals. Keep improving in baseball and try as many things as possible. Get outside your comfort zone not so much that you get into trouble but enough that you experience things you haven’t before. Make long lasting friendships and be someone people can rely on. Hopefully your still being active and playing sports especially baseball and maybe even trying some that you haven’t played before. You got to keep working and get some money too and don’t be stupid with it. I hope I at least went to one party in college to see what it’s like. Academically I hope I was smart enough to use the recourses given to me like office hours and tutoring. I hope I managed my time well leaving enough time for studying but still being able to go and have some fun. I hope I can be social enough to not become a random guy walking across campus every day. If you get an internship anywhere for wildlife conservation, make sure you do your best not to fall behind. I hope I can apply the internship well to my end goal. If you find that something isn’t working like you thought, take some time and think about what you can change. Don’t get so overwhelmed by trying everything that it makes you wonder if you can’t do any of it at all. Make sure you be smart while at longwood and become the first in your family to ever graduate from college. I hope I turn out great after the four years and also don’t forget to use the gym.